I once had a grip on everything, it feels better to let go.

Up until a few months ago, I was a working artist. Now, I am looking for a job, pretty much any job and I am also signing up with temp agencies. As we all know, like fight club, the first rule of temping is you do not talk about temping. Am I happy about this turn of events? No, no I am not. But, I am looking for the lesson in it, moving forward, numbing my mind, whatever works. I have not had a “real job” in over 3 years and I have not had a job interview in over 7. Wah wah, I know. Poor sweet baby me.

So, rather than dwelling in the inevitable, I thought I would give some tips on how to save money in this new economy. Even during the fat years, I lived pretty lean, so my lean years are like a celebrity a week before the Oscars; starvation, purging and hourly enemas. So to speak.
Here goes.

1. Bring your lunch to work. You heard me. Yeah I know you like your 6.00 sandwich, your bag of chips, and your peppermint patty, but shit adds up. You are spending minimum 30 bucks a week. Times that times 52. You don’t even want to know. You can still have all of that, just bring it from home. You’ll save bunches, and you’ll get so used to doing it, you won’t remember not doing it. I swear.

2. Stop eating out at restaurants. We have been having friends over for dinner and doing like a potluck. Also, you get to spend more time together without annoying waitpersons hovering over you, trying to get you to spend more money. Another perk is that when you host it, you can get totally blotto without worrying about driving home. Remember the whole numbing your mind thing from two paragraphs ago? Pretty much, yeah.

3. Get rid of all your expensive beauty shit. This one is more for the ladies, but maybe some of you guys have expensive beauty shit too. Big Sur barely uses soap, and I have to remind him to wash his hair, so I don’t have to worry about him. Most of that beauty shit is a scam. It’s regular shit, but scented nicely and packaged expensively. Here’s an example. I have dry skin on my face in the winter. I used to use nice cleanser and moisturizer, back when I had money. Now that I don’t have job, I spread honey all over my face at night. And it works amazingly. Seriously, it’s nature’s damn miracle. As for moisturizer, I put a tiny bit of olive oil on the dry spots. Guess what, practically free and it works really well. The honey thing wouldn’t work for vegans, I guess. But for everyone else, go crazy. Just remember to put your hair back. And maybe skip applying it on the nights when you host the potluck. Drinking and honey facials do not mix. I have learned that shit the hard way. Fo sho!

4. Stop going to the movies. Either rent or download that shit. I’m not saying do anything illegal. Just share what you have with friends, and make them share with you. Who’s to say how many friends you have? Maybe you are really popular, like me, and you have tens of thousands. You don’t? Well that’s sad. You should get some more. They are all over the internet, waiting for you, these friends. Just put download TV shows into google and you will start meeting your new friends toot sweet!

5. Stop using so much shit! By this I mean soap, shampoo, paper towels, toilet paper, electricity, detergent, and water. Also at the risk of sounding like my mother, if you’re cold, put on a damn sweater and close the doors. What are you trying to do? Heat the great state of California?!?

6. Install those fluorescent bulbs. That shit will save you money. Also, you should have already done that like a year ago. Where the hell have you been?

Well, that’s all I have for now. In a few weeks when I’m down to eating my own toenails for protein, I’m sure I’ll come up with a few more. Until then, toodles!