Mail Bag

Hello,

I am Oliver N'goran from Cote d Ivoire and I am contacting you because I need your help in the management of my inheritance my father left for me before he died. Please there is Reason for this letter, I will wish that you will read and reply me urgently. You may be surprise why my mail, but I feel it is better to approach you to sort a way forward for my life. The lost of my parents have traumatized me and expose me more about inhumanity among men,

All my father s assets has been forcefully taken away by my uncles and my life is in Danger, I can not take any action now because i'm afraid of been harmed as God has saved me from his den. Before the death of my father, I gained admission to read Medicine at the University of Cocody and could not complete this program due to these problems.My father disclosed to me about his treasure at point of death that worth $6.5 M USD (Six Million , Five Hundred Thousand dollars.) in a domiciliary account with a bank in Cote d ' Ivoire which I am the next of kin.My father was a very rich cocoa farmer and he was poisoned by his business colleagues, which I have my uncle as a prime suspect following his actions since the death of my father.

I want you to stand as my appointed guardian and beneficiary to enable you receive the money in your country since I am only 19 years not up to the age signed with my father in the bank in case of death to release the money for me. This is basically on arrangement. To enable me have the fund as it is the only possible means for the bank to release the Money to me. Please below are three major reasons why I contacted you. 1) I need your assistance to provide a bank account where this money will be transferred to.2) You will serve as the guardian of these funds until I finish my studies to join you.3) You will make arrangement for me to come over to your country after the money has been transferred to you. The agreement states that I have to be 25 year old.

I can not wait for this time, because my uncle want to kill me to have all my father properties for himself, Please this will be done very fast as I have all the relevant documents and I have gone to the bank for the Transfer, so I will be waiting for your mail for us to process fast. Waiting for your response

Thanks and God Bless You.

Oilver N'goran.

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Dear Oliver,

Great to hear from you. Wow! You certainly do have a lot of problems. Maybe I can be of help. First of all, God doesn’t live in a den. He lives in a lair, silly. Second of all, I don’t know what the study of “reading medicine” entails, but it doesn’t sound like it will help the 13% of your country’s population that is HIV+. Wouldn’t your time be better spent planning a coup or something?

I’m sorry to hear that your father died and that your uncles poisoned him! That’s going to make the holidays really awkward, I’ll bet. I wouldn’t celebrate at their house. Lord only knows what they put in the turkey! Ha ha.

I think it is really cool that your father was a cocoa farmer. Was there a lot of chocolate in your house when you were growing up? I’m allergic myself, but I do love it. Like I always say, “chocolate doesn’t make the world go round, but it sure makes the trip worthwhile”. Yum!

Sounds like you are in a bit of a financial pickle. I would love to help you, but I have had some pretty crazy bank issues myself. I accidentally wrote some checks without “sufficient funds” and when I told the bank people my checkbook had been stolen, they didn’t believe me! It turns out that fraud charges can follow you from state to state. I was told that I can’t use the banking system for five years, at least not under my real name.

Also, I would love to have you come stay with me and hear all about your weird customs and the cocoa farm and all, but I kind of already have company. Her name is Denise and we are in love. We met one night when I was kind lonely and driving around. She got into my car to um, do business and I took her home with me. We have been together ever since. And even though we argue sometimes, with her pleading to, “please untie me and let me go” and "this dark crawlspace is no place to keep a human being” it’s never that serious. There are always going to be disagreements in a relationship. But I do think the added stress of a houseguest would not help our relationship. Also, I wouldn’t want you to judge our alternative lifestyle. I hope you understand.

Oliver, I am rather concerned about this Danger you speak of. Your uncles sound ruthless and bloodthirsty. While these are traits I admire, I do want to help you defend yourself against them. Here’s what I think you should do:
1. Invite them over to dinner
2. Tell them you are turning the properties over to them in return for your life
3. When they are leaving, kill them! Now that would be turning the tables on the situation, don’t you think?

I doubt anyone would blame you. They did murder your father and they never helped on the cocoa farm. Also, isn’t your country one of those dangerous, overpopulated, fly soaked ones? No one will probably even notice.

In conclusion, I really hope everything works out for you, Oliver. Please write me back and let me know how it all turned out. Also, thanks for writing. I feel like we have known each other a long time and it is very exciting to have a pen pal from somewhere so exotic! Well, I gotta go, Denise is screaming, I mean calling.


Toodle loo!

Steve Coffin