Unsexy adult situations

As I'm typing this I'm watching a small spider go up and down on his web at face level, about a foot away from me. Is it a good spider or a bad spider? I do not know. My usual desire to destroy it is absent. As a friend once said about the mouse living in his house, "he's doing his thing, I'm doing mine".

I haven't written anything in awhile because my life has been full of adult, rated R type situations. Not the sexy kind but rather the sad kind. Who wants to hear about that? The world is currently fucked enough as it is without me adding more sad stories to it.

I will share this though. Today I was doing some research on the internets and the person I was looking for turned up dead. Four years dead as a matter of fact. This was a somewhat older person but they didn't die of a disease, rather they smashed their car into a tractor/trailer on an interstate somewhere in this great (possibly fucked) country. Instant death, violent, shocking.

Full disclosure: I didn't like this person at all. They had done some pretty bad things, but then they turned around and did some pretty good things. So there was some redemption. The situation I was researching for, would have given them another chance to do good. It is sad. But the more I've seen lately (and these past couple of weeks has been full of seeing) the more I think that things like missed redemption matter less than I previously thought. I'm not sure why I think this. I have been feeling the impermanency of all life and it doesn't scare me that much anymore. Maybe I'm depressed, but I don't think so. I think I'm forming some type of faith in a universe that wil keep on spinning regardless of unsquashed spiders or sudden, violent death. Good actions and bad. It's comforting in a fucked up way. But I'm not sure why.