Unsexy adult situations

As I'm typing this I'm watching a small spider go up and down on his web at face level, about a foot away from me. Is it a good spider or a bad spider? I do not know. My usual desire to destroy it is absent. As a friend once said about the mouse living in his house, "he's doing his thing, I'm doing mine".

I haven't written anything in awhile because my life has been full of adult, rated R type situations. Not the sexy kind but rather the sad kind. Who wants to hear about that? The world is currently fucked enough as it is without me adding more sad stories to it.

I will share this though. Today I was doing some research on the internets and the person I was looking for turned up dead. Four years dead as a matter of fact. This was a somewhat older person but they didn't die of a disease, rather they smashed their car into a tractor/trailer on an interstate somewhere in this great (possibly fucked) country. Instant death, violent, shocking.

Full disclosure: I didn't like this person at all. They had done some pretty bad things, but then they turned around and did some pretty good things. So there was some redemption. The situation I was researching for, would have given them another chance to do good. It is sad. But the more I've seen lately (and these past couple of weeks has been full of seeing) the more I think that things like missed redemption matter less than I previously thought. I'm not sure why I think this. I have been feeling the impermanency of all life and it doesn't scare me that much anymore. Maybe I'm depressed, but I don't think so. I think I'm forming some type of faith in a universe that wil keep on spinning regardless of unsquashed spiders or sudden, violent death. Good actions and bad. It's comforting in a fucked up way. But I'm not sure why.

alone I am nameless, fearless and faceless.

So, the day after I wrote that previous doubting paragraph I had a sweet opportunity come my way. Just a reminder to focus on what I want and the things I have accomplished.

I had a funny, fucked up day yesterday. I'll just give the highlights. I had to take my mom out to the doctor and I almost dumped her out of her wheelchair, totally not on purpose (jeez!). Then we got into an argument. There was some swaring, I think, by me. I should be set on fire. Worst daughter ever.

Then I went to a large chain bookstore. It was very crowded because the lead guitarist of K0rn was signing his book. Not to slam on the his fans, but one has to picture the bookshelves this sure to be classic will land on. I'm guessing not next to leatherbound first editions. More likely next to a lot of D&D books, perhaps some books on Majik strategy, and the Big Book of Skulls. A Satanic Bible or two? Anyhoo, I needed help finding a book , I wait in line and I tell the guy behind the desk I'm looking for a book. He says, "Um, I can't really help you with that". However, there is a search kiosk thingy two feet from his right hand. I point this out to him and he says, "Yeah but I don't know how to use it". It says on the screen, "click the mouse to begin searching". Seriously. I ask if I can use it, even though it is slightly more on his side of the counter. He tells me no, and that I have to elbow through the K0rn crowd to go all the way to the information desk, which when I went back there, was unmanned. Where were these do nothing retail jobs when I was in my early 20"s? There's no way I could of gotten away with treating customers like that. I wasn't pissed, I was fucking jealous!

I can say that I hope it will be worth what I give up.

So there's been some doubts and worries lately. The thought that I'm not getting any younger or any richer or further down the road I want to be going down. It's all good though. Part of the process of being a human that takes risks, I guess. I can't say I wasn't warned, just not by anyone I believed in.

I've been watching some shows on you tube lately (no TV here) and two of my faves are the First 48 and Banged Up Abroad. The first one is an A&E show about homicide. Kind of depressing, but also very interesting and when the bad guys get it, it's a fist pumping fuck ya! The other show is British ( I think) and tells firsthand stories (and reenacts them) of people (American and Brits) who were/are imprisoned in other countries. Lots of very naive people drug smuggling, but also a guy on a road trip through South America who gets captured by Colombian rebels. If you wrote his story as fiction, it would be considered over the top. Search for it on the you tube. You won't be sorry. I haven't seen a dull episode yet.

I also spent some time with the true crime genre and I learned some factoids. One is that only paranoid killers remove their victims eyes. Another is the three elements most serial killers have: brain injury, childhood abuse, mental illness. Pretty much most of 'em have the trifecta of doom. Last one: at any given time there are about 100 of them roaming around the U.S. Sweet dreams!

Are you street or art school?

Highlights from my weekend:
Danced my ass off at kick-ass dance party. It was a rager.
Caught up with friends who just spent two months on the Silk Road.
Took part in a jam session. Some of the instruments in said session: two guitars, harmonica, egg shaker thing, bongos, dinner fork and beer bottle, bagpipes. The bagpipes were the Godzilla of the jam session, fo' sure.
Spoke with a long lost relative. Also, got an email from a woman I was friends with from preschool until 7th grade. In 7th grade, she got pissed off at me because I said that Who's the Boss, sucked ass. I guess she's finally over it.
Diagnosed my car's problem. I actually looked under the hood, took a couple of things apart, and put it all back together with no extra pieces. I'm so fucking butch, I can't stand it.

Squirrely

Birds do it. Bees do it. Squirrels do it in my yard. A lot.

I had opinions that didn’t matter. I had a brain that felt like pancake batter.

Ooooh, I was in sort of a black mood tonight. Big, nasty, monster dogs chased my cats through the yard, stepping on plants I just planted, Big Sir turned his nose up at the dinner I cooked, and then I spent close to an hour on the phone with one of those credit report places, most of it on hold. My security question was “what is the name of your favorite pet”? I had typed in my hands down favorite pet (living). It didn’t work. I typed in my hands down favorite pet (dead). Didn’t work either. So I was locked out of my account. When I finally got to talk to someone (India) they insisted that I name the damn pet’s name. I told them that both of my guesses were wrong. He suggested that I name all my pets. Now, I have had a lot of pets, with a lot of stoopid names. So I start naming names like Poopiehead and Loverbutterfacepants and Dingleberry Derek. Man, I started laughing my ass off and more embarrassingly he’s laughing his ass off too. The list was long and of course the pet I named last was the secret word. Ironically, it’s the pet I actually dislike the most. I must have been high to type her in as a fave. Or maybe she’d been kissing my ass that day. Who knows. I felt bad for the operator, having to listen to my sordid pet history so I actually let him roll through his sales pitch for like fifteen damn minutes. Ultimately, I don’t think he judged me that much. I’m pretty sure they name those sacred cows some pretty hi-fucking-larious names over there in that India. Or if they don’t, they should. Makes life more fun.

I do have some bitter disgust to pass on to the art world. As if it reads this. It doesn’t.
Please, please, please for the love of all that is pure and good in this world, cease and desist using owls, deer, and skulls in art. It’s not interesting. It’s not cute. It’s not ironic. It’s stupid. And boring. And totally overdone. And completely fucking lazy. Lazy because a person doesn’t even to attach meaning to these images to show them and sell them in important places. The meaning seems to be that everyone else is using them, which isn’t meaning, it’s lemming bullshit. For some reason this keeps getting celebrated over and over. Artists, please stop using these images. Gallerists and curators, please stop showing this bullshit, Collectors. For gods sake, stop collecting it. It’s not going to be worth a g-damn dime in ten years. It’s an insult to artists who are effectively using unique, thoughtful, meaningful symbols in their work. Gah! I get all frothy mouthed about this issue.

Alright, let us not end on that note. Really quick movie reviews. As it heats up outside, I hide in movie theaters more and more. Big Sir and an animator friend dragged me to Wall-e. I had zero expectations. Actually, that's not totally true. I expected to hate it. And I didn’t. I didn’t love it, but you know, Disney preaching to me about corporations that turn people into sloths… Well, that’s a little more than I can take. But, I really liked the first hour. I wish we could have stayed there. The deserted, lost and forgotten earth was really quite beautiful. The only other movie I’ve seen is Encounters at the End of the World. What a great movie for a hot day. I really love Herzog and although it is no Grizzly Man, it is quite beautiful and interesting. Basically you get to take a trip to Antarctica with Herzog. Which I totally would have, but he never called me.

Cliché quota met

Lately, Big Sir and I have been getting up at 5:30 in the morning to go running. Who am I? I don’t even know anymore. I’ve also been going to a yoga class once a week which starts at 9am on Sunday morning. And I show up on time and not hungover or anything. Last week were asked to loop our index fingers around our big toes, while standing, and swing the arm/leg combo out to the side. Try it, your leg will feel like its starting to leave your hip socket. Actually, don’t. It’s too crazy. I also have given up coffee. And TV.

This morning while we were running not only did we see a bird catch a worm, but we heard a rooster crow. It actually went cockle-doodle-do. I mentioned this to Gypsy Prince and he said, “Wow! That reminds me of the time I was hanging out with our friend J. She was on acid, and we saw a white rabbit”.